Funny Gifts For Dad That He'll Actually Use

Dads are the hardest people on earth to buy for, and it's not because they're picky. It's because they've spent thirty years buying themselves the exact tools they want and telling everyone they don't need anything.

So the gift has to clear a specific bar: it can't be something he'd have bought better himself, it can't be another tie, and it has to survive the moment where he opens it in front of the family and says "oh, ha."

Here's what actually works.

The rule nobody follows

Consumable beats permanent. Dads are, as a group, extremely resistant to acquiring more objects. A thing that gets used up creates no storage obligation and no guilt when it's gone. Candles, coffee, hot sauce, good jerky, a bottle of something.

The second rule: the joke has to be about him, not about dads generally. "World's Best Dad" is a category. A gift referencing his specific habit of falling asleep during movies he chose is a gift.

Gifts that land

A candle named after his own decline

Old Balls is velvet vanilla, and it is the single best-performing dad gift we make. It works because it's affectionate rather than mean — big grandpa energy, warm and nostalgic, with a label that gets a genuine laugh at a birthday table.

Also the scent is legitimately good, which matters more than people expect. A gag gift he actually burns is a gag gift that worked.

A candle for the man with a specific reputation

Brown Chicken Brown Cow is Caribbean teakwood — woodsy, spicy, unmistakably seventies. For the dad whose sense of humor peaked in 1978 and who will absolutely get the reference.

Something for the holidays specifically

Deez Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire is caramelized pralines. If you're shopping December rather than June, this is the one. It smells like a genuinely good holiday candle and reads like a joke he'll repeat to your uncle.

Good coffee, not a coffee gadget

Note the distinction. He has opinions about the gadget. He does not have opinions about which single-origin bag arrives at his house, and he'll drink it.

A quality version of a thing he already owns badly

The best non-consumable category. He has a screwdriver; he does not have a good screwdriver. He has a flashlight from 2009. He has one decent pen and it's from a hotel. Upgrading something he uses weekly is more thoughtful than introducing something new.

Hot sauce, jerky, or anything with heat

Consumable, no storage obligation, and it gives him something to be territorial about in the pantry.

A print of something he cares about

A blueprint of his first car, a map of the town he grew up in, the box score from a game he actually attended. Cheap, specific, and it proves you were paying attention — which is the whole point.

What to skip

Ties, socks, wallets. He has these. He has enough of these that he's started giving them away.

"World's Best Dad" anything. Generic sentiment reads as a gift bought in a hurry, because it usually is.

Grilling accessories. Unless you know exactly what's missing from his setup, he owns it, owns a better one, or deliberately doesn't want it.

Subscription boxes. A recurring obligation disguised as a present. He'll cancel it in month three and feel bad about it.

Tech he'll need help with. You are the help. Think carefully.

Which one for which dad

• Self-deprecating dad — Old Balls. He'll show people.
• Dad who cooks and takes it seriously — anything in The Culinary Collection. Thyme To Fuck Off in particular, for the man who wants the kitchen to himself.
• Dad who works a job he complains about — The Cubicle Collection. This Meeting Could Have Been An Email is a universally held position.
• Dad you don't know that well — a father-in-law, a stepdad, new territory. Go for scent over joke. Something in Woods + Green is safe, grown-up, and doesn't require you to have judged his humor correctly.

On the price question

Dads are unusually likely to say "you didn't have to spend that." They mean it. A $15 travel-size candle that's funny and specific outperforms a $60 object he'll feel obligated about, and it works better as a stocking stuffer or an add-on to something else.

Everything of ours is hand-poured in small batches with a coconut soy blend, which is the part that makes the joke last past the opening. He'll laugh at the label once. He'll burn the candle for weeks.